New Year’s Resolutions


Every year the innumerable indolent fools of the world promise themselves that this year will be the year. This year, I’ll go to the gym every day, never eat anything sweet again, and I’ll quit smoking for good. Typically, these mouth-breathers will have great success for about a week, then they’ll say, “Oh, I’ve done so well. I deserve to indulge myself just this once because it’s the weekend/a holiday/other bullshit celebration”. They indulge their newly vanquished vice, thus giving it more power over them than ever. A new vicious cycle of failure begins again, starting the same damn pattern they’ve been living through their entire lives. “New Year’s Resolutions”, as most Americans use them, are an utterly worthless waste of time.

Now, I’m writing this on New Year’s, and the title is “New Year’s Resolutions”. Clearly I believe there is some value in this tradition.

People seem to need an excuse to change their lives for the better. New Years is an excellent excuse, so use it if you find motivation in the pretty new number on your calendar. Make a simple resolution that you know you can keep up with for the entire year. It doesn’t have to be something hard, just make it something that you know will benefit you in some way. Here are some attainable resolutions that anybody could follow through with:

-Go outside every day. Commit just to stepping outside into the sunlight once every day, and if you feel like walking, well, you’re a regular overachiever.

-Give up soda. That shit is poison and will kill you. Consider drinking almost anything else, like milk, apple juice, or goat’s blood.

-Every day, eat a vegetable. No ranch dressing, you fat fuck.

-Every day, read something. A book, the newspaper, a blog, or your favorite news site. Not Tumblr, and no, texting does not count.

-Learn something once a month. Maybe learn a new recipe. Try out a new hobby. Buy some powertools and just go nuts while the neighbor’s out of town with his door unlocked. Doing new things will relieve the monotony of your shitty life, and it’ll make people say, “Wow, this guy is way more interesting than that dick Larry.”

Yeah, doing things is hard. It’s worth it, I promise. Make a commitment to making 2015 slightly less fucking horrible than the year before. Future-you will thank me.